Does Marriage Counseling Really Make a Distinction When Your Wife Is Leaving?
“Does marriage counseling operate? My wife and I have attempted seeing a marriage counselor for the previous couple of weeks, but it does not appear like it really is carrying out something… What am I carrying out incorrect?”
If you are like quite a few of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have currently attempted the most frequently prescribed answer to any marriage issue, i.e. marriage counseling.
I do not know when it became such typical practice, but somehow the go-to answer for any and all troubles that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, and so on.), the most prominent and extensively guidance that you are going to get is “have you attempted marriage counseling?”
You would consider that such a booming and reliable business would be so very advised since of its higher accomplishment price, suitable? In other words, marriage counseling is so preferred since it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage troubles that plague so quite a few relationships these days, suitable?
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Price of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest accomplishment price of any other counseling or therapy connected field.
So, does marriage counseling operate? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a greater accomplishment price than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a greater accomplishment price than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a greater accomplishment price than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling applications for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a greater accomplishment price than marriage counseling
You would consider that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of assure that you’d see final results in your marriage, but this is completely not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT Perform for most couples, and marriage counseling accomplishment prices are surprisingly low (much less than 25%).
There is a sort of couple that can advantage from marriage and loved ones counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors do not proficiently address the correct concerns that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Perform? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Prices, Ever?
Admittedly, according to current statistics, the divorce price in America has ultimately come to somewhat of a plateau in the previous couple years since much less persons are having married, so there are much less couples to divorce.
But nevertheless, in the previous 10 – 25 years divorce prices have sky rocketed, and I want you to truly consider about this for a minute… Does not it appear strange that the rise in divorce prices correlates practically straight with the thriving marriage counseling business? Some may possibly argue that this tends to make sense since much more divorces will need much more marriage counseling, but what if the correct supply of the issue wasn’t basically divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I will inform you an instance of this – My personal parents are divorced. They had been married for more than 20 years, and they attempted anything in the book to save their marriage. They attempted not 1, not two, not 3, not 4, but 5 various marriage counselors more than the course of 10 YEARS, and not a single 1 of them did something to save their marriage.
In reality, the marriage only ever got worse since my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that aggravation led to even much more troubles in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I am not saying that all marriage counselors are comprehensive quacks, but a surprising quantity of them are. Their marriage counseling approaches and procedures are primarily based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human expertise or even on profitable marriages.
Numerous Marriage Therapists Lack Verified or Relevant Encounter
This could most likely be stated about quite a few therapy connected fields, but I really feel that it is in particular correct in marriage counseling. I know of numerous marriage counselors who have basically gone by means of a divorce, but continue to teach other individuals how to repair their marriage. Clearly these persons have no notion what basically performs if they can not even save their personal marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Once again, I do not want to make any overly broad generalizations right here, but I do really feel like the marriage counseling field has grow to be equivalent with divorce attorneys… It is just 1 much more cog in the machine top to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I imply, from a cost standpoint they are each high priced… It will run you about $400 for an hour to speak on the telephone with a divorce lawyer, and a single marriage counseling session will typically price you at least $100, and much more for a ‘good’ 1.
These are persons that know you are desperate and are prepared to take benefit of that are their personal acquire.
Feel about it, if you had been definitely passionate about assisting persons and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for one thing that you have not even observed regularly yield final results? I am not saying it really is morally incorrect to charge a lot of revenue for your solutions, but when there is so a great deal revenue involved it really is only all-natural to query correct motives, in particular devoid of final results to justify a higher cost.
Feel about it, most marriage counselors suggest at least 10 sessions to see final results in your marriage, which implies you are dropping $1,000 to $two,000 on completely unproven procedures and methods.
Which brings me to the implied second element of our original query… Does marriage counseling operate, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what appears to be the explanation most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Educated To Analyze Difficulties, Not Generate Options
This is what I truly consider it comes down to… Anything that your typical marriage counselor has discovered, and in turn anything they teach you, was really most likely written by a psychologist.
All these items that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just preserve functioning at it”…
* “Communication is the essential”…
* “Be much more open with every other”…
* “Begin obtaining intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make her really feel loved”…
All of these items are written in some text book someplace and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are items that females consider they want, and they do when anything is currently ideal, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all items you really should be carrying out when your marriage is thriving, much more like traits of a profitable marriage than actual procedures to repair a broken 1.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Believed…
A excellent marriage has open communication, suitable? So it ‘makes sense’ that to repair a broken marriage you really should create open communication, suitable?
A excellent marriage has spouses who love intimacy time with every other, suitable? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you are going to repair your marriage, suitable?
But marriage is not backwards compatible like that… It does not operate since these logical options are NOT going to operate when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you are going by means of the motions appropriately, there is no assure that you will basically repair your marriage.
In reality, if something you are practically assured to make it worse, since you are going to remind your wife how terrible items have to be that she can not really feel Something even when you are apparently attempting so difficult.
Recall, attraction is the ONLY issue that will save your marriage. Without the need of attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you… Logic, explanation, counseling, courses, books, rational procedures and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.